i have conversations with her in my head where i tell her to come back; that i will take care of her; that she doesn't need him; that so many people loved her; that i need her. i've begged her to send me a sign - to let me know that's she's doing ok in heaven.
i have conversations with dad in my head. those aren't good conversations by any means, but they are incredibly sad. i also beg him to come back to me - at least the man i used to know when i was a little girl.
i have conversations with the other woman. those are terrible conversations that leave me shaking. i spew hatred. i hiss. i tell her she will never be in the heaven where my mother is. i accuse her of pulling the trigger. i accuse dad of that too.
and it's saturday at noon, and i haven't had any coffee. i haven't showered or dressed, and I feel vulnerable. and I cry because i miss my mom so much. i believe longing could kill someone.
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2 comments:
The Dalai Lama wrote a book called Healing Anger - I have read it cover to cover, more than once. Would you want to read it? Are you ready to let go?
Also, it is said that conflicts can be solved in our dreams.
Hatred and anger have the capacity to destroy one's virtue and calmness of mind. You know this, you are living this.
I cannot begin to imagine what it is you are feeling, even tho you can channel with words your emotions. You know I live the before, the constant threats, cries for help.
None of this is your fault and there was nothing you could have done. Everyone is living their own hell right now and hatred is probably the highest on the list. I've told you before UNTIL you can forgive her you will not be able to let go and start your life. You have not fully lived because you have always lived for her. Now you can live for you. She's always with you and she will always be that voice you hear. Don't feel guilty because you are still here.
I love you!. I wish my words would help you.
xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxooooxoxoxo
Sandra,
Just to clarify - I'm not mad at my mom. It's my father that I'm pissed at.
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