We tried, but we cried cause we knew it was over.

Friday was an evil night.

Emily invited me to her friend's house for some gumbo. We picked up some wine and headed out for the evening. Feasted on gumbo and french bread with three Cornell sophmore girls - very cute, very young. Em and I hit the Chapter House for a quick beer and then back to her house to watch some TV on the projector and drink some more Pinot Grigio. In between I went home to check on Pete, walk Moo and listen to my messages. Big mistake. My favorite father left me a scathing message saying that I was messing with Peter's head, that I was doing more harm than good, that I was telling Peter too much, that I was BAD BAD BAD. He also said that I had to bring Peter home immediately.

Upon hearing this message I thought I would explode. I was MAD MAD MAD. So I called back - told him he had nerve, told him to never leave a message like that, told him that i don't manipulate Pete that I treat him with respect and honesty, told him that I would not bring Pete home that I'm not some yo-yo - that he could get into his own car and drive to ithaca to pick up his son. I told cliff not to call me anymore, i had no interest in speaking to him. he agreed. told him that pete is terribly upset about this move. told him that amy is terribly upset about this move and that his kids don't trust or respect him. he said to me that he thought i had his back - he thought he had my trust. I asked," since when?" i think about my conversations with him- blatantly told him Kathy is BAD BAD BAD. blatantly told him moving was BAD BAD BAD. mentioned on more than one occasion that his actions contributed to my mother's DEMISE. told him i lost RESPECT. told him he had PROBLEMS. told him that i didn't agree with the way he was RAISING the KIDS.

I cried until I was puffy. Pete cried and screamed how much he hated his father. Pete said, "He didn't respect my mother after she died. I hate him." We held each other and cried deep angry tears.

Y'see, I was mad at Pete too. The kids have no choice but to play both sides of the fence. They may trust, respect and love me, but they have to live with him.

I needed to get out of the house. I went back to Emily's. We talked and talked. She helped. We drank wine.

Eventually I went back home and just couldn't sleep. I watched by tivo'd shows, pulled out the Sambuca and had two nightcaps. i scraped the fridge for comfort food. i ran my dirty fork up and down my thigh - i needed to feel something physical. spoke to amy. a few hours later, I went up to my bedroom and swallowed two sleeping pills and a melatonin. i sat with the bottle in hand wondering how many days i could sleep if I took the rest of the Lunesta. there were only seven pills. surely that couldn't hurt? for christ sake i've been taking this pill every night for nine months straight. i had to have build up some tolerance. I just wanted a really good sleep. I just want to fall asleep with ease, sleep thru the night with ease and wake up with ease. I wasn't in good shape.

I tossed a glass of water at the picture of my mom and dad and the five pugs that i keep by my bedside. I cursed my mother; blamed her; hated her. i travel with that picture everywhere. i quickly took the photo from its frame and dried off the water, cleaned up the floor. CRIED CRIED CRIED. sorry Mommy.

slept.

but before slumber i filed all of my long nails down.

woke up at 9am with a scratch on my eyelid and my eyes swollen shut. wasn't pretty. woke pete. told him that despite how shitty we felt we had to make the best of his last weekend here. we had to enjoy our life. it would start with breakfast at state street. omelettes always a great way to start off a saturday. see - doesn't take too much to make me happy.

we tried. farmer's market, swimming, movies, icecream, shopping, eating out, preparing dinner together, artist's fair...we tried.

I knew Pete was still in a lot of pain, because I certainly was. I have to finally admit that both of my parents were gone. I know that I am depressed. It started three weeks ago. you see lately i don't take any pleasure in doing the things that i normally love. my sleeping habits are straight up wacked. i actually missed my therapy appointment on friday - straight up didn't show. i feel sick - a lot. weary.

today i woke up with a clogged ear - could not hear a blessed thing. had to suck it up and call up the doctor that i wasn't very nice to because he sent me a bill for not cancelling an appointment that i didn't show up for because it was the day my mother died. after explaining my unfortunate circumstance they agreed to waive the fee, but i received another bill a short while later. I threw a fit.

But they did see me this morning and things are better.

i found a strapless bra this morning too for my dress for next weekend's wedding. very difficult given my size.

i'm tired now. Signing off.