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i'm angry for an assortment of reasons this evening. it started off as a pretty decent monday. i had energy and just cranked through with my work. signed a teen tiny acount, but hell, it's money and the work is enjoyable. i cooked an okay dinner. all this despite me being upset that my aunt was admitted to the hospital on thursday night, and that my sister had been missing a lot of school again as in on the verge of failing a few classes due to unresolved absentees. she's in her senior year, and her the road to failure is unfortunately shining all too bright. it's not good.

my sister is up to her usual, and my aunt--the backbone of our family--is pretty sick, sick enough that she's still in the hospital. but I worked through all of this second, perhaps third degree trauma, because i am emotionally prepared to handle it. yes, i'll admit i was, i am upset about the timing of it all. my aunt and uncle were supposed to visit this week, pick up the kids at dad's office and head up to ithaca for the weekend. i had such plans. mostly, i just wanted to feel them around me. gosh i miss them all. then dad told me that he has another appointment with amy's counselors on thursday morning and it's just not a good idea for her to miss more school. makes sense to me, but i still do wish that i could see her.

i'm not myself these days and dan says that he misses me. i miss him too, but i don't know how to help what i'm feeling. i'm a loving person. i'm affectionate. i'm a good listener. i am a supporter. lately, i'm none of the above. i miss me too.

i made a phone call this evening to my mother's friend. she told me of an encounter she had with a co-worker who knew of my mother as my father is her doctor. his nurses liked to talk to the patients about what a "cuck" (spelling? the word for crazy) my mother was; how she wasn't good enough for my father; what a kind man he was ... this co-worker had no idea that my mom committed suicide. i asked my mother's friend why she was telling me this. i was sobbing.

and because i couldn't let it go, i in turn told my sister. how wrong of me. how fucking stupid of me.

in high school and college i had a friend whom i loved dearly and trusted wholeheartedly. she once told me that her parents said my mother was crazy, a bitch, on an on and on. i will not discredit her parents here. frankly, not one of them is worth my time. from that moment on, i knew our friendship was over forever. she wasn't a good person.

anyway, back to the co-worker ... i managed to fight the urge to call dad and tell him to get his nursing staff under control--that's if he wasn't fucking them all--or i would get the names of the big-mouthed nurses and personally call the rest of his partners and explain the situation. (i know a colleague or two of dad's who might help in this situation.) somehow, being the decent publicist that i am, i could carefully leak a few of his indiscretations to the appropriate people. there is a reason why i'm so observant.

then i had the urge to call up this co-worker and threaten her with bodily harm. also mention that i hope the next time she sees my father he diagnoses her with a terminal illness.

yes, my benevolence is finite.

right now it's all about the fight. i'm pissed.