Retarded Dog

So Baby last night decided that he was petrified of the fire hydrant he pees on most days. He actually ran onto the street (it was late, no traffic) and refused to pass the hydrant again. Let me just say that Moo was peeing on the hydrant at this point. Then, back on the couch, he decided he wanted to drink my rasberry seltzer from the glass. We all know that's he's scared of glasses, mugs, bottles...I don't know what's up with that dog.

I've got some sort of a cold. Now there are just no limits to me feeling like shit.

Numbers

If you ever read the Numbers column in Time Magazine...this one really struck me.

200 Hunters awarded permits for Maryland's bear-hunting season; nearly 2,000 applied.
8 Age of Sierra Stiles, the girl who scored the season's first kill.

Normal, huh?

He Said I Love You

I've already reneged on one of the rules I promised my mom I would commit to - hypocrasy. I received a Kevin Costner movie (The Upside of Anger) from Netflix this weekend. I'm a big Joan Allen fan. Throw in Evan Rachel Wood, Erick Christensen and Keri Russell and I can get over Old Gerkin being in the flick...at least I think I can.

So I went to see Jarhead on Friday night. The movie was PACKED with college boys. It was a decent movie, but it fell short in a lot of ways. It was like I was all in to it and then it just ended. There were some great one-liners and a nice shot of Jake's butt. Peter Sargaard -- I just LOVE him. See Shattered Glass if you haven't already. Also, see Empire (tho' it got terrible reviews) and and The Salton Sea (Val Kilmer so good). (Stacy, don't see Empire because John Leguizamo is in it) So we'll add those two to the hot list this week. (I actually think I've added Jake to the list before.) Blogger is being a pain about uploading photos--so Sarsgaard will come later.

I bought a lot of junk this weekend. I floated in and out of TJ Maxx, Big Lots, The Dollar Tree, Old Navy, Bath and Body Works, Wegmans, A.C. Moore and Target all weekend. Looking at stupid stuff take my mind off of things. I started to read again this weekend too. I read the Ithaca Times, a few pages of Elle and my new book Magical Thinking. My mom loved Augusten Burroughs too.

A few people sent us plants with flowers to the wake. The flowers have all died, but the plants are lovely, so I bought some new potters and replanted them.

My father (Bill) called me a few times this weekend. I didn't have the energy to talk to him. For the first time since I was five he said he loved me. It shocked me to the core. I guess it takes your mother committing suicide for your deadbeat dad to come back into your life. I'm happy that despite all that I've been through in life, I'm still shocked by things. I feel it keeps me innocent.

I'm going to get to work now--as much as I want to stay in bed. Signing off. Love you guys.

Back to Basics

In the WSJ today
Denver Legalizes Marijuana
Encouraging cheap jokes about its "Mile High" nickname, Denver voted to legalize possession by adults of up to an ounce of marijuana. Denver police were not on the same page, saying they would simply use state possession laws to keep arresting marijuana users. Two other U.S. cities, Oakland and Seattle, have recently voted to require police to make marijuana possession their lowest law-enforcement priority.

Sounds like a good place to live. I'm excited because the OC and Reunion are returning tonight. With ER on at 10pm, looks like I'll have 3 solid hours of distraction.

My head has been cloudy today. I talk to people on the phone and I don't know what I'm saying. A client said I called him on the phone the night before and asked him to send me a photo for PR purposes. I don't remember this AT ALL.

I'm so tired and weepy. I've taken to eating chocolate and salami (not at the same time.) I suppose it's better than drinking scotch and popping valium. My sleep has been dreamless. I'm searching for signs everywhere. I keep thinking of the Friends episode when Phoebe found the cat that she believed was the reincarnation of her Mom. Please Guys, if I get there check me in to the nearest pysch unit.

I miss her so much. She's everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I've decided to not go home this weekend. I can't handle the drive. I can't handle being in that house. I just can't deal. My Dad says it's OK--he doesn't want me to do anything I can't handle. Dan just keeps saying he wants to take care of me. I need that. I need someone to take care of me.

I'm thinking about giving the business up--taking a job at TJ Maxx or Wegmans. I'm just so afraid of fucking up. Mom would hate me for doing that, but how much strength can I have? Where in the fuck is my peace?

October 26, 2005

Mama,
I will make the right decisions.
I will forgive.
I will never hate.
I will never be a hypocrite.
I will raise good-hearted children.
I will marry a man that will make it his priority to be the best father and husband he can be.
I will cherish my friends.
I will cherish my family and those you truly loved--Amy, Peter, Papa, Abby, Pen Pen, Maggie, Marshy, Baby, Titi Dorothy, Tio Junior, Tio Frankie, Tio Greg, Tio Angel, Amanda, Chris, Greggy, Ally, Christine, Titi Atwilda and Uncle John, Jane and Gino, Gail and Marty, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, Emily and Laura, Stormy, Dan. If I'm forgetting someone, I'm sorry.
I will raise Amy and Peter to appreciate what's good in this world, in this one life we lead. I will make sure they pursue their desires, they fulfill their destinies.
I will make sure Cliff becomes the father he could be, and I will help him through his anger. I will help to make him a better person.
But most of all, I will make sure that everything you believed you did wrong, I will make right. I will do it to honor you, but I will do it for the future of our family, the future of Amy and Peter's families, for the future of my own.
I'm sorry Mommy. I'm sorry I couldn't hold you in your darkest hour. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you I would take care of you. I'm sorry I couldn't make the pain stop.
If I could hug you and smell you one last time, I would give up everything.
Rest in peace My Beautiful Angel.
Love forever, Annie