The Mysteries Unravel

OK Peeps. I've got some delegating to do -- Stacy and Kimmee, I need you to find all of the Web-based research you could find on dissociative identity disorder while I try and dig out my DSM. Stacy if you could take time away from flirting with the hot young thing at your firm. Kimmee if you could take time away from complaining about your mother-in-law. Just kidding. Seriously, you guys are my best researchers. I need you on the job this week.

Second, I think someone should have been added to the Hot List a very long time ago.

Welcome Joaquin Phoenix (remember when his name was Leaf?).

Anyway, we're very excited to see Walk the Line this weekend. -Andrew FYI - I didn't think you'd have a problem when Stacy and I discussed last night. (P.S.) both of you have your junky food orders in by Thursday when I go shopping.

Anyway, I had a very long convo with my father last night. I can't remember what I said anymore because I had to take another sleeping pill after the phone call. I got everything I was feeling out. It's funny how so many people are feeling blame and guilt, he's the only one with a clean conscience? I'm sorry, but Peter is the only one with a clean conscience.

Anyway, I also spoke to Jane (my mom's former bff) for two hours. Jane and I were very close for many years. About 15 years ago Jane told Gino (her boyfriend at the time; today her husband) and my father that she thought my mother was mentally ill. She said I think she has dissociative identity disorder. Gino said that Jane was crazy. My father shrugged it off. Then I told Jane how my mother used to treat me as a child. She had know idea. My father had know idea. I say I knew her the longest. My father says he knew her the best. 15 years later my mother puts a .38 to her forehead while the kids are in the house and we're all still shocked to shit about it.

Where One Life Ends and Another Begins

I'm still trying to kick this cold, but I'm feeling much better today. This weekend we did a million things; I talked to a million people--generally anything to keep myself occupied. I've noticed that between 7-9 p.m. I lose my shit and have a major crying fit.

I went to my usual haunts to occupy my mind--the Pyramid Mall, the Ithaca Bakery, Target and A.C. Moore. We also hit Lowe's on friday night. We bought another orchid plant and what I think is an evergreen tree. I was hoping it would make our house smell like Christmas tree, but no such luck.

Saturday afternoon we went to see Derailed. I would call this your typical 2-star movie. The cast was bizarre, the plot was predictable, but Clive Owen was brilliant. He's a sexy beast. Jennifer Anniston couldn't shake being Rachel Green--even in a thriller. She was much better in Along Came Polly.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on the phone with various family members. It was nice catching up, but we don't really want to discuss our own lives, we just want to talk about my mother.

My Dad called me this morning having a freakout. He wants me to come home. He needs my help. I said no. Can't do it. Can't leave my work. Can't work efficiently from your house. Can't. Can't. Can't.

There are so many reasons. So many.

FINALLY

Peter Sarsgaard. My dopey eyed lovebug.

Home is Where the...

still toying with the idea of going home tomorrow. i know amy really wants to see me, but I can not even begin to explain the level of tired I am feeling. and i'm sick--bad cold and the beginnings of a bronichitus, temperature. i've overextended myself with work and i need to do some thinking and organizing this weekend. i also want to clean my fish tank.

i've actually had a pretty bad week and today i was not mentally stable. i've had mood swings all over the place.

so my food choice of the week has been onion rings, french fries and salami.

i watched Rushmore. if you like that unexplainable sense of humor from Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson, then def. rent this. it made me laugh. Bill Murray is a funny guy. the only movie i can not stand with him tho' is Groundhog's Day.

i wanted to go to Rick and Emily's on Wednesday to watch LOST, but I just couldn't make it...i just couldn't drag myself over there and pretend i was ok when my face was swollen from tears. Wednesday was week two. two whole weeks, and i still feel like i'm watching the world go by me. i'm trying to make out Thank You notes, but they just don't seem to be happening fast enough. i can't seem to find anyone's address. everything i need is at my parent's house--and i just can't go back there yet.

the person that's really freaking me out is my Dad. he's the angriest person i've ever seen, and we've been fighting. he keeps saying that i'm treating him like my mother by telling him what to do. that hasn't helped me at all. this week i felt like i lost both of my parents, and i've been hanging by a thread. he apologized to me today tho'. i guess it's made me feel better, but he's not the same person that raised me. i'll be straight, he's being a stupid bastard, and he wants to purge all remnants of my mother right away.

Hot List Updates

Kimmee has requested that I add Wentworth Miller to the hot list. He's ok, but I liked him in The Human Stain.

I'm still having trouble getting the pic of Peter Sarsgaard up and it's pissing me off. I went searching for another and that one isn't posting either. Fucking blogger. I did find a full frontal pic.
Anyone care to find me a new one?

Anyway, I like my grief counselor. He seems like a sweetheart. It's good to know that all of my ups and downs are perfectly normal. If I was still in bed, not changing my clothes and not reacting to anything, then he would be concerned. What I wasn't realizing is that I, Amy, Peter and Cliff have really been thru an extremely traumatic situation. Having dealt with so much bullshit for some many years and seen some pretty crazy things, I was thinking that my mother's death was almost run of the mill. It's not though--at all. And what we've all lived through for the past 10 years is not OK. I'll be OK, but nothing we've lived through has been ordinary.