About Her Part I

This is more for me than for anyone else. As each day passes, I make a mental list of things that I will miss about my mom. (It just so happens that a lot of things are food oriented. Gosh that woman could cook.) It's funny, but even when she was alive, there are things that I needed from her and missed about her on a daily basis (as I hope you all realize about your own parents)... It's dinner time and you're craving your mom's special pasta. You just got out of a hellacious meeting and you really want to discuss it with your dad. You need advice from your mom about the amount of money to give as a wedding gift...

Mom, these are the things that made me so happy.

1. the day you told me you were pregnant with Amy
2. the smile on your face when you watched Peter get off of his flight from Guatemala to the U.S.
3. pumpkin pancakes
4. eggnog pancakes
5. sausage and green apple stuffing
6. arroz con gondules
7. pasta with diced tomatoes and mozzarella
8. discussing our favorite tv shoes like LOST and Desperate Housewives
9. trading books
10. shopping at TJ Maxx
11. buying gifts for her from my trips
12. her delight at opening those gifts
13. watching her decorate the Christmas tree
14. stuffed peppers
15. seeing her in her penny loafers
16. watching her dance
17. smoking cigarettes with her on the deck
18. empanadas
19. talking to her everyday on the phone
20. asking her, "how the hell do I cook this?"
21. gossipping about celebs
22. christmas shopping together
23. eating pecan sticky buns from the place in the Danbury Mall
24. watching the Thanksgiving Day parade together and commenting on the new floats
25. her birthday gifts
26. dumping out the contents of my christmas stocking before her eyes
27. watching her opening the christmas gifts I so carefully picked out for her and knowing how much she loved them
28. breakfast on christmas morning
29. rapping over a freshly brewed cup of coffee
30. talking to her about my recent successes
31. watching her kiss and hug the pugs
32. watching her take care of Pen Pen
33. seeing her curled up on the couch in her pj's
34. watching her run her hands through her beautiful hair
35. the smile she had when she said something bad
36. the smile she had when I said something bad
37. watching movies together, which she would usually fall asleep during
38. the look on her face when she walked into a store that she really liked
39. eating Chinese food together
40. walking the dogs together
41. borrowing her jewelry, shoes and shawls for special occasions
42. the smile on her face when she returned from a dinner with her husband
43. her sweet smell
44. the shine of her hair
45. potato salad
46. nacho dip
47. hearing her sing Spanish songs

Post T-Day and All That

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I realized that my cooking skills aren't nearly as bad as they used to be, and I managed to pull off the annual feast without getting anyone sick. In fact, the food tasted pretty damn good. Overall, the day was as good as it possibly could be.

The past few days have been strange. Before we left I dropped my pearl earring--the very last birthday present from my mom--down the bathroom sink drain. Dan found me on the bathroom floor crying. Being the wonderful guy that he is, he created this thin tubing hooked up to the wet/dry vac to go down the drain. It didn't work, but his sweet attempts put me at ease. We called maintenance and while we were gone for holiday they managed to fish it out.

We got digital cable and a DVR before we left, so that made me feel better. At least I now have my mindless comfort machine.

My aunt and cousin came up to W.C. on Friday and we went thru my mom's things. The weekend of the wake, I found this very old photo album from the 70s with pics of my mom in high school. My aunt told me that my mom used to sell pot. That made me laugh. Only my mom...

I have more to write, but I've got to get some work done. Signing off.

Don't Feel Like Writing This Week

Good movie. Go see it.

A, B, C, DDDDDDDDD

Yesterday I had a really bad night. I was angry, cleaning like a freak and being a bitch. I couldn't calm down.

I kept thinking about Cliff and the night my mother died. I keep thinking about finally getting him on the phone after Amy told me that she saw mom with blood on her face. Amy kept saying, "I think she's dead." And I just kept saying, "No, no, she probably just fell and hurt herself." Then Cliff got on the phone and I said, "What's going on?" And he said, "Ann-Marie, you're mother shot herself in the head. She's dead." The words head and dead were stated with such clarity. The ending "d's" were properly articulated. Normally, in colliquial speak, we'll let that last "d" just roll off our tongues. Her death was proclaimed.

So that's what I keep hearing. Those "d's." They echo--those "d's"--and they make me leave my own body because I can't accept them just yet. I don't want to believe.

There were times when I thought about cutting my mother off. She did it first. She wasn't supposed to.

Funky Tree

I'm super excited to see Stacy and Andrew this weekend. I need their warmth and smiles.

I'm a little jittery today. Not sure what the deal is. Yesterday my brain was fried, and I wasn't very productive ont the work front.

Dan was going through my blog yesterday--as he was scrolling down he came to the picture of Patrick Dempsey and he asked, "Is that me?" I was rolling.

Today the heat and hot water in our apartment is not working. Also, our cable is out. The three month stretch of free cable is over. Now it's time to pay up. Sucks. Great when I have two other TV addicts in my apartment this weekend...

We went to Rick and Emily's to watch LOST last night. The Michelle Rodriguez character annoys me. Anyone agree?

We took this picture about two weeks after I moved here. This tree lives at the Cornell Arboretum. For some reason, it reminded me of Kimmee.