A, B, C, DDDDDDDDD

Yesterday I had a really bad night. I was angry, cleaning like a freak and being a bitch. I couldn't calm down.

I kept thinking about Cliff and the night my mother died. I keep thinking about finally getting him on the phone after Amy told me that she saw mom with blood on her face. Amy kept saying, "I think she's dead." And I just kept saying, "No, no, she probably just fell and hurt herself." Then Cliff got on the phone and I said, "What's going on?" And he said, "Ann-Marie, you're mother shot herself in the head. She's dead." The words head and dead were stated with such clarity. The ending "d's" were properly articulated. Normally, in colliquial speak, we'll let that last "d" just roll off our tongues. Her death was proclaimed.

So that's what I keep hearing. Those "d's." They echo--those "d's"--and they make me leave my own body because I can't accept them just yet. I don't want to believe.

There were times when I thought about cutting my mother off. She did it first. She wasn't supposed to.