Forgot a Title

so what's going on today. helluva lot! today was crazy. if only i had an intern, i could get rid of all this administative bullshit i have to get done during the day. i spent hours building media lists. i'm even behind on my invoices. i don't really have the money to pay anyone tho' and kids ain't working for free these days.

dan's in manhattan today. it's the tree lighting. poor dan. so he's going to get back tonight at aroudn 1pm go to calls in the morning and leave for nyc again in in the afternoon. he's got to stay the night for yet another mtg. on monday morning. i don't like being alone in he house at night anymore.

ok so AZ and Stace - totally into Laguna Beach. I noticed that my sister speaks like Kristen every once in a while. she's hooked on the show too.

let's get some comments going on last night's episode of Nip/Tuck. fuck a duck dude. that was some crazy shit. anyone have a copy of last week's episode. i can't believe i missed it - don't know what i could have been doing that was more important than watching Nip/Tuck....oh yeah, that's when Dan's brother came over.

gots to go. time for LOST. signing off.

Some Chatter

since i arrived back in 'Thaca late Saturday evening, it has snowed, reached nearly 60 degrees, been wind crazy and torrentially downpoured.

i'm thinking a need a day at a spa. shannon covered the nails and feets with the fancy gift certificate she so slyly had danny pick up for me at a salon on The Commons. i still haven't made an appointement, but probably will try to for the weekend. i need this hair cut, these brows tweezed and some sort of facial rejuvenation. plain and simple, i look like shit. i swear i've aged 10 years.

i think i'm off the salami. my lastest craving is cereal--particularly any sort of frosted square. i prefer the POST brand of frosted mini's to the registered Frosted Mini-Wheats. just as an fyi.

the new sleeping aid i take leaves a rather bitter taste in my mouth. i think it also makes my farts extra stinky - tho that could be the salami. at least it doesn't make my crotch itch like the valium. but none of you need to know any of this. i've just been building media lists for too long and my brain is deflating.

i got two inquiries for business today and its freaked me the fuck out. i can't really handle any more work, but i am interested in, well, i'd seriously like to make additions/deletions to my current roster if you catch my drift. also, writing for me as become a big old bitch. i hate it. i can barely get my words straight. it's funny when you go through a traumatic experience you lose your faculties. i find myself relying on my eyeglasses more; repeating stories; seriously forgetting having conversations about x, y and z; excessive thirst; daily headaches; fatigue; physical weakness (and we all know i think i'm Hercules - remember the toe incident?).

anyway, i'm kinda like a walking timebomb. i wonder if i'm going implode from emotional pain or explode from just being frightened and overwhelmed. either way it'll just suck. that's what i'm working on with my therapist. i'm supposedly running on less than a quarter of a tank and need to say no, better prioritize, know my limitations, and all that other stuff. signing off.

Recent Splits and Other Gossip.

OK so I haven't been keeping you up on the gossip front. I will resume my duties as soon as possible. Click on this post's title to get some scoop about Nick and Jessica. It's almost embarassing with them. Like I've said before, we all know deep down inside that Jessica went pro-ho.

Giselle and Leo are done...again.

There's a rumor going that Nicole Kidman might be getting hitched to that country dude Keith Urban.

Paris Hilton, another pro-ho, might have been the one to finally break up Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush.

Stacy - Tate Donovan got married this weekend. Sorry. :-(

Rick Springfield (yes, I said Rick Springfield) will return to General Hospital after 50 years of really doing nothing else. Gosh I had the biggest crush on him. I used to wear a Rick Springfield button that my Uncle Frankie made for me. Suprised he didn't wear it.

About Her Part I

This is more for me than for anyone else. As each day passes, I make a mental list of things that I will miss about my mom. (It just so happens that a lot of things are food oriented. Gosh that woman could cook.) It's funny, but even when she was alive, there are things that I needed from her and missed about her on a daily basis (as I hope you all realize about your own parents)... It's dinner time and you're craving your mom's special pasta. You just got out of a hellacious meeting and you really want to discuss it with your dad. You need advice from your mom about the amount of money to give as a wedding gift...

Mom, these are the things that made me so happy.

1. the day you told me you were pregnant with Amy
2. the smile on your face when you watched Peter get off of his flight from Guatemala to the U.S.
3. pumpkin pancakes
4. eggnog pancakes
5. sausage and green apple stuffing
6. arroz con gondules
7. pasta with diced tomatoes and mozzarella
8. discussing our favorite tv shoes like LOST and Desperate Housewives
9. trading books
10. shopping at TJ Maxx
11. buying gifts for her from my trips
12. her delight at opening those gifts
13. watching her decorate the Christmas tree
14. stuffed peppers
15. seeing her in her penny loafers
16. watching her dance
17. smoking cigarettes with her on the deck
18. empanadas
19. talking to her everyday on the phone
20. asking her, "how the hell do I cook this?"
21. gossipping about celebs
22. christmas shopping together
23. eating pecan sticky buns from the place in the Danbury Mall
24. watching the Thanksgiving Day parade together and commenting on the new floats
25. her birthday gifts
26. dumping out the contents of my christmas stocking before her eyes
27. watching her opening the christmas gifts I so carefully picked out for her and knowing how much she loved them
28. breakfast on christmas morning
29. rapping over a freshly brewed cup of coffee
30. talking to her about my recent successes
31. watching her kiss and hug the pugs
32. watching her take care of Pen Pen
33. seeing her curled up on the couch in her pj's
34. watching her run her hands through her beautiful hair
35. the smile she had when she said something bad
36. the smile she had when I said something bad
37. watching movies together, which she would usually fall asleep during
38. the look on her face when she walked into a store that she really liked
39. eating Chinese food together
40. walking the dogs together
41. borrowing her jewelry, shoes and shawls for special occasions
42. the smile on her face when she returned from a dinner with her husband
43. her sweet smell
44. the shine of her hair
45. potato salad
46. nacho dip
47. hearing her sing Spanish songs

Post T-Day and All That

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I realized that my cooking skills aren't nearly as bad as they used to be, and I managed to pull off the annual feast without getting anyone sick. In fact, the food tasted pretty damn good. Overall, the day was as good as it possibly could be.

The past few days have been strange. Before we left I dropped my pearl earring--the very last birthday present from my mom--down the bathroom sink drain. Dan found me on the bathroom floor crying. Being the wonderful guy that he is, he created this thin tubing hooked up to the wet/dry vac to go down the drain. It didn't work, but his sweet attempts put me at ease. We called maintenance and while we were gone for holiday they managed to fish it out.

We got digital cable and a DVR before we left, so that made me feel better. At least I now have my mindless comfort machine.

My aunt and cousin came up to W.C. on Friday and we went thru my mom's things. The weekend of the wake, I found this very old photo album from the 70s with pics of my mom in high school. My aunt told me that my mom used to sell pot. That made me laugh. Only my mom...

I have more to write, but I've got to get some work done. Signing off.

Don't Feel Like Writing This Week

Good movie. Go see it.

A, B, C, DDDDDDDDD

Yesterday I had a really bad night. I was angry, cleaning like a freak and being a bitch. I couldn't calm down.

I kept thinking about Cliff and the night my mother died. I keep thinking about finally getting him on the phone after Amy told me that she saw mom with blood on her face. Amy kept saying, "I think she's dead." And I just kept saying, "No, no, she probably just fell and hurt herself." Then Cliff got on the phone and I said, "What's going on?" And he said, "Ann-Marie, you're mother shot herself in the head. She's dead." The words head and dead were stated with such clarity. The ending "d's" were properly articulated. Normally, in colliquial speak, we'll let that last "d" just roll off our tongues. Her death was proclaimed.

So that's what I keep hearing. Those "d's." They echo--those "d's"--and they make me leave my own body because I can't accept them just yet. I don't want to believe.

There were times when I thought about cutting my mother off. She did it first. She wasn't supposed to.

Funky Tree

I'm super excited to see Stacy and Andrew this weekend. I need their warmth and smiles.

I'm a little jittery today. Not sure what the deal is. Yesterday my brain was fried, and I wasn't very productive ont the work front.

Dan was going through my blog yesterday--as he was scrolling down he came to the picture of Patrick Dempsey and he asked, "Is that me?" I was rolling.

Today the heat and hot water in our apartment is not working. Also, our cable is out. The three month stretch of free cable is over. Now it's time to pay up. Sucks. Great when I have two other TV addicts in my apartment this weekend...

We went to Rick and Emily's to watch LOST last night. The Michelle Rodriguez character annoys me. Anyone agree?

We took this picture about two weeks after I moved here. This tree lives at the Cornell Arboretum. For some reason, it reminded me of Kimmee.

The Mysteries Unravel

OK Peeps. I've got some delegating to do -- Stacy and Kimmee, I need you to find all of the Web-based research you could find on dissociative identity disorder while I try and dig out my DSM. Stacy if you could take time away from flirting with the hot young thing at your firm. Kimmee if you could take time away from complaining about your mother-in-law. Just kidding. Seriously, you guys are my best researchers. I need you on the job this week.

Second, I think someone should have been added to the Hot List a very long time ago.

Welcome Joaquin Phoenix (remember when his name was Leaf?).

Anyway, we're very excited to see Walk the Line this weekend. -Andrew FYI - I didn't think you'd have a problem when Stacy and I discussed last night. (P.S.) both of you have your junky food orders in by Thursday when I go shopping.

Anyway, I had a very long convo with my father last night. I can't remember what I said anymore because I had to take another sleeping pill after the phone call. I got everything I was feeling out. It's funny how so many people are feeling blame and guilt, he's the only one with a clean conscience? I'm sorry, but Peter is the only one with a clean conscience.

Anyway, I also spoke to Jane (my mom's former bff) for two hours. Jane and I were very close for many years. About 15 years ago Jane told Gino (her boyfriend at the time; today her husband) and my father that she thought my mother was mentally ill. She said I think she has dissociative identity disorder. Gino said that Jane was crazy. My father shrugged it off. Then I told Jane how my mother used to treat me as a child. She had know idea. My father had know idea. I say I knew her the longest. My father says he knew her the best. 15 years later my mother puts a .38 to her forehead while the kids are in the house and we're all still shocked to shit about it.

Where One Life Ends and Another Begins

I'm still trying to kick this cold, but I'm feeling much better today. This weekend we did a million things; I talked to a million people--generally anything to keep myself occupied. I've noticed that between 7-9 p.m. I lose my shit and have a major crying fit.

I went to my usual haunts to occupy my mind--the Pyramid Mall, the Ithaca Bakery, Target and A.C. Moore. We also hit Lowe's on friday night. We bought another orchid plant and what I think is an evergreen tree. I was hoping it would make our house smell like Christmas tree, but no such luck.

Saturday afternoon we went to see Derailed. I would call this your typical 2-star movie. The cast was bizarre, the plot was predictable, but Clive Owen was brilliant. He's a sexy beast. Jennifer Anniston couldn't shake being Rachel Green--even in a thriller. She was much better in Along Came Polly.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time on the phone with various family members. It was nice catching up, but we don't really want to discuss our own lives, we just want to talk about my mother.

My Dad called me this morning having a freakout. He wants me to come home. He needs my help. I said no. Can't do it. Can't leave my work. Can't work efficiently from your house. Can't. Can't. Can't.

There are so many reasons. So many.

FINALLY

Peter Sarsgaard. My dopey eyed lovebug.

Home is Where the...

still toying with the idea of going home tomorrow. i know amy really wants to see me, but I can not even begin to explain the level of tired I am feeling. and i'm sick--bad cold and the beginnings of a bronichitus, temperature. i've overextended myself with work and i need to do some thinking and organizing this weekend. i also want to clean my fish tank.

i've actually had a pretty bad week and today i was not mentally stable. i've had mood swings all over the place.

so my food choice of the week has been onion rings, french fries and salami.

i watched Rushmore. if you like that unexplainable sense of humor from Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson, then def. rent this. it made me laugh. Bill Murray is a funny guy. the only movie i can not stand with him tho' is Groundhog's Day.

i wanted to go to Rick and Emily's on Wednesday to watch LOST, but I just couldn't make it...i just couldn't drag myself over there and pretend i was ok when my face was swollen from tears. Wednesday was week two. two whole weeks, and i still feel like i'm watching the world go by me. i'm trying to make out Thank You notes, but they just don't seem to be happening fast enough. i can't seem to find anyone's address. everything i need is at my parent's house--and i just can't go back there yet.

the person that's really freaking me out is my Dad. he's the angriest person i've ever seen, and we've been fighting. he keeps saying that i'm treating him like my mother by telling him what to do. that hasn't helped me at all. this week i felt like i lost both of my parents, and i've been hanging by a thread. he apologized to me today tho'. i guess it's made me feel better, but he's not the same person that raised me. i'll be straight, he's being a stupid bastard, and he wants to purge all remnants of my mother right away.

Hot List Updates

Kimmee has requested that I add Wentworth Miller to the hot list. He's ok, but I liked him in The Human Stain.

I'm still having trouble getting the pic of Peter Sarsgaard up and it's pissing me off. I went searching for another and that one isn't posting either. Fucking blogger. I did find a full frontal pic.
Anyone care to find me a new one?

Anyway, I like my grief counselor. He seems like a sweetheart. It's good to know that all of my ups and downs are perfectly normal. If I was still in bed, not changing my clothes and not reacting to anything, then he would be concerned. What I wasn't realizing is that I, Amy, Peter and Cliff have really been thru an extremely traumatic situation. Having dealt with so much bullshit for some many years and seen some pretty crazy things, I was thinking that my mother's death was almost run of the mill. It's not though--at all. And what we've all lived through for the past 10 years is not OK. I'll be OK, but nothing we've lived through has been ordinary.

Retarded Dog

So Baby last night decided that he was petrified of the fire hydrant he pees on most days. He actually ran onto the street (it was late, no traffic) and refused to pass the hydrant again. Let me just say that Moo was peeing on the hydrant at this point. Then, back on the couch, he decided he wanted to drink my rasberry seltzer from the glass. We all know that's he's scared of glasses, mugs, bottles...I don't know what's up with that dog.

I've got some sort of a cold. Now there are just no limits to me feeling like shit.

Numbers

If you ever read the Numbers column in Time Magazine...this one really struck me.

200 Hunters awarded permits for Maryland's bear-hunting season; nearly 2,000 applied.
8 Age of Sierra Stiles, the girl who scored the season's first kill.

Normal, huh?

He Said I Love You

I've already reneged on one of the rules I promised my mom I would commit to - hypocrasy. I received a Kevin Costner movie (The Upside of Anger) from Netflix this weekend. I'm a big Joan Allen fan. Throw in Evan Rachel Wood, Erick Christensen and Keri Russell and I can get over Old Gerkin being in the flick...at least I think I can.

So I went to see Jarhead on Friday night. The movie was PACKED with college boys. It was a decent movie, but it fell short in a lot of ways. It was like I was all in to it and then it just ended. There were some great one-liners and a nice shot of Jake's butt. Peter Sargaard -- I just LOVE him. See Shattered Glass if you haven't already. Also, see Empire (tho' it got terrible reviews) and and The Salton Sea (Val Kilmer so good). (Stacy, don't see Empire because John Leguizamo is in it) So we'll add those two to the hot list this week. (I actually think I've added Jake to the list before.) Blogger is being a pain about uploading photos--so Sarsgaard will come later.

I bought a lot of junk this weekend. I floated in and out of TJ Maxx, Big Lots, The Dollar Tree, Old Navy, Bath and Body Works, Wegmans, A.C. Moore and Target all weekend. Looking at stupid stuff take my mind off of things. I started to read again this weekend too. I read the Ithaca Times, a few pages of Elle and my new book Magical Thinking. My mom loved Augusten Burroughs too.

A few people sent us plants with flowers to the wake. The flowers have all died, but the plants are lovely, so I bought some new potters and replanted them.

My father (Bill) called me a few times this weekend. I didn't have the energy to talk to him. For the first time since I was five he said he loved me. It shocked me to the core. I guess it takes your mother committing suicide for your deadbeat dad to come back into your life. I'm happy that despite all that I've been through in life, I'm still shocked by things. I feel it keeps me innocent.

I'm going to get to work now--as much as I want to stay in bed. Signing off. Love you guys.

Back to Basics

In the WSJ today
Denver Legalizes Marijuana
Encouraging cheap jokes about its "Mile High" nickname, Denver voted to legalize possession by adults of up to an ounce of marijuana. Denver police were not on the same page, saying they would simply use state possession laws to keep arresting marijuana users. Two other U.S. cities, Oakland and Seattle, have recently voted to require police to make marijuana possession their lowest law-enforcement priority.

Sounds like a good place to live. I'm excited because the OC and Reunion are returning tonight. With ER on at 10pm, looks like I'll have 3 solid hours of distraction.

My head has been cloudy today. I talk to people on the phone and I don't know what I'm saying. A client said I called him on the phone the night before and asked him to send me a photo for PR purposes. I don't remember this AT ALL.

I'm so tired and weepy. I've taken to eating chocolate and salami (not at the same time.) I suppose it's better than drinking scotch and popping valium. My sleep has been dreamless. I'm searching for signs everywhere. I keep thinking of the Friends episode when Phoebe found the cat that she believed was the reincarnation of her Mom. Please Guys, if I get there check me in to the nearest pysch unit.

I miss her so much. She's everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

I've decided to not go home this weekend. I can't handle the drive. I can't handle being in that house. I just can't deal. My Dad says it's OK--he doesn't want me to do anything I can't handle. Dan just keeps saying he wants to take care of me. I need that. I need someone to take care of me.

I'm thinking about giving the business up--taking a job at TJ Maxx or Wegmans. I'm just so afraid of fucking up. Mom would hate me for doing that, but how much strength can I have? Where in the fuck is my peace?

October 26, 2005

Mama,
I will make the right decisions.
I will forgive.
I will never hate.
I will never be a hypocrite.
I will raise good-hearted children.
I will marry a man that will make it his priority to be the best father and husband he can be.
I will cherish my friends.
I will cherish my family and those you truly loved--Amy, Peter, Papa, Abby, Pen Pen, Maggie, Marshy, Baby, Titi Dorothy, Tio Junior, Tio Frankie, Tio Greg, Tio Angel, Amanda, Chris, Greggy, Ally, Christine, Titi Atwilda and Uncle John, Jane and Gino, Gail and Marty, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, Emily and Laura, Stormy, Dan. If I'm forgetting someone, I'm sorry.
I will raise Amy and Peter to appreciate what's good in this world, in this one life we lead. I will make sure they pursue their desires, they fulfill their destinies.
I will make sure Cliff becomes the father he could be, and I will help him through his anger. I will help to make him a better person.
But most of all, I will make sure that everything you believed you did wrong, I will make right. I will do it to honor you, but I will do it for the future of our family, the future of Amy and Peter's families, for the future of my own.
I'm sorry Mommy. I'm sorry I couldn't hold you in your darkest hour. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you I would take care of you. I'm sorry I couldn't make the pain stop.
If I could hug you and smell you one last time, I would give up everything.
Rest in peace My Beautiful Angel.
Love forever, Annie