For Andrew

A little tussle with The Hulk?

AZ - I'm not getting into this new Madonna CD. I just hate the lyrics. But Fiona Apple and Death Cab...LOVE IT. Did I mention my new allegience to Fall Out Boy? Don't laugh. I think they're fantastic.

February is looking up folks. I had a brief spell of depression due to the third month since my mother's death on January 26, but an increase in anti-depressants and a workload to buzz about has got me feeling pretty OK. Interesting that I missed my Suicide Survivors group on Thursday, but managed to run into two people from group that weekend. Never seen them before around town, but two folks in one day...Anyway, I made dinner plans with one woman. Could be a pitty party over burritos, but could be helpful...

OK He's Hot

Anyone get to see Matchpoint yet. AZ?? It's not playing in 'Thaca. Anyway, Jonathan Rhys Meyers is in the new Woody Allen thriller Matchpoint. You might also remember him from Bend it Like Beckham. If you recently watched the Golden Globes, he won like Best Actor or something. His girlfriend was smokin'. He's smokin.

On My Walks

 

It's Me - A Slightly Different Me

Annie Goes to Ithaca has been neglected. Surprisingly enough, I've actually had so much going on in my head--besides my mother's death--that I'm not sure how to sort it all out. You've heard all of this before, but my work has been endless. You'll be happy to know that I've picked up a few new projects, and my concentration has been fantastic. In fact, I've been feeling pretty good given the circumstances. I hope it stays for a little while longer.

Let me tell you what's going on in my barely comprehensible world.

I was in NYC and WC from Sunday to Tuesday on business. (Sorry to those I did not get a chance to see.) I spent a good ole fashioned girl's night with the my best girl Stacey. It was fantastic. Y'see, it's hardest for me to communicate with those that are closest to me these days, so when I can, it really makes me feel good. We ordered a cubano, empanadas and paella from Cafe Con Leche. Whadda meal! Just fantastic. Stellar night.

The biz was all positive. Not much to reporte excep - hopefully - more lucrative work down the line. I did get to see my old family friend Gino. I was so in love with him when I was a little girl. He was just the smartest, funniest, most fascinating man to me.

Peter and I had a great talk when I was home. I'm convinced that kid has the biggest heart in the world, and I just love him incredibly. I so wish that I had more to give him. I so wish that I could be his mom and make him delicious meals, answer his homework questions, take him to the movies, make sure he brings his glasses to school, check his teeth before he goes to sleep to make sure they've been properly brushed, drop him off at his friend's house for playdates, and tuck him in at night. But I can't. I'm his big sister - forever and always - but I'll never be Mom.

I so a certified shrink today, not just a psychologist. Turns out I'm not too crazy. In fact, I'm handling things very well. Whatever that means.

I've taken up some new activities in my life. For one, I've begun walking on the weekends. I've checked out several lovely parks and waterfalls in the area including Stewart Park, Buttermilk Falls, Ithaca Falls, Cornell Plantations and Cornell Arboretum. I'll admit, I've had urges to jump into the swimming hole at the bottom of Buttermilk Falls. The cold water seems refreshing. I have this feeling it will make me feel alive again. The trails at Cornell Plantations are best when it's snowing. I can't explain the tremendous comfort I feel. It's as though my mom's arms are wrapped around me.

These walks require me to bundle up big time. Here's what I look like. I love my rosy cheeks.
Frigging pic won't post. I'll have to try it again later. Sorry

I've begun drawing. Better said, I've begun doodling. I can't draw, but let me tell you, when my Cray-Pas (z ?) hit the paper, my hand just goes. I totally zone out. I tend to incorporate song lyrics into my doodles. Got to do something with those songs that float in and out of your head all day.

I've been reading a lot, less movie watching. I've finished the Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown and Good Grief by Lolly Winston - highly recommend the latter. I've begun some redick Danielle Steele novel that I took from my mom's seemingly endless collection of books. I love to be in the world of fiction.

I bought a knitting kit, but it sucks. Couldn't even get the first loop complete. Whatever. At least I tried.

Going to run a bath. Signing off.

Not Just Couch Potatoes

Brooklyn, NY in the late 70's / early 80's. My mom and father Bill sitting on the ugliest coach that ever existed.

Jolie With Child

Everyone's been talking about it this morning. Received a bunch of emails, a few phone calls and a telegram.

On Friday, Dan had a friend over for dinner and he said he had heard Jolie was preggers. I said no way. Guess I was wrong.

What are we thinking here? Has Jen locked herself up in her Malibu beach house? Will the baby have Jolie's lips and Brad's six-pack? Does anyone in Hollywood use a condom anymore? Do we think this is cute or are we a little weirded by this couple reproducing? Are we still feeling bad for Jen?

Purple Pill Poppin

I decided to forego my purple sleeping pill last night. OK so I didn't really fall asleep until around 6am this morning. Forget the gym. Despite my lack of sleep, I didn't wake up with that groggy, hazy feeling I'm so accustomed to having with the Lunesta. I'm not really sure what to do.

I'll write more later. I just had a brain freeze. signing off.

Swank and Lowe to Split

Click on title of this post to review complete story.

What a shame. I liked them together.

The Aftermath Part II

i have conversations with her in my head where i tell her to come back; that i will take care of her; that she doesn't need him; that so many people loved her; that i need her. i've begged her to send me a sign - to let me know that's she's doing ok in heaven.

i have conversations with dad in my head. those aren't good conversations by any means, but they are incredibly sad. i also beg him to come back to me - at least the man i used to know when i was a little girl.

i have conversations with the other woman. those are terrible conversations that leave me shaking. i spew hatred. i hiss. i tell her she will never be in the heaven where my mother is. i accuse her of pulling the trigger. i accuse dad of that too.

and it's saturday at noon, and i haven't had any coffee. i haven't showered or dressed, and I feel vulnerable. and I cry because i miss my mom so much. i believe longing could kill someone.

2005 Hot List

Just A Kid

I'm not sure how old my mom is in this school picture. I would figure she's about 13. For some reason I can't stop staring at it.  

Nick's 'Kinky' Marriage Secret

OK - so I've always had a soft spot for Nick Lachey... and not because I find him attractive. In fact, he's a good looking man, but not my type at all. He just seems like such a genuinely nice guy. Anyway, I hope he gets good money from this divorce because he deserves it. Without Newlyweds Jessica would have never been such a big star - and he was part of that. Plus there is something wrong with cheating on your husband with Bam. Don't get me wrong, Bam is kinda hot.

So my therapist told me that exercise will help me through my mourning process. Little does he know that I hate exercising. It's about time I shed these horrific pounds tho. I do need activity. I hate being tired all of the time. I think this afternoon I'm going to close shop at 4pm and head over to the gym. Perhaps I'll hit the exercise bike and the treadmill. I need to feel good about myself again.

2006 Hot List

So I'm trying to compile photos of the 2005 Hot List for your own personal review. (AZ - thanks for the suggestion.) May take me a while as I'm still trying to figure out how to use this photo program that I've downloaded. I'm new to this photo thing. As you can tell from previous posts, I'm playing around with my new mack-daddy scanner.

As for 2006 - with Old School on the brain and having just seen The Family Stone, we'll give it to Luke Wilson. He's like the guy living next door to you in your college dorm.

A Long Long Time Ago

 

Chubs Looking Tough

Thought it would give you all a nice chuckle.

You're My Boy Blue

For anyone who loves Old School as much as me, Stace and Dan, you'll be sad to know that Blue died last night. He was 86 years old.

OK so I've been sleeping a lot. Yesterday I fell asleep on the couch at around 8:15 for 30 minutes or so. I got into bed a ten popped my lucky purple sleeping pill put in a Netflix and was awake until 1:30 am. In between I took half of another purple pill. I woke up at 10am today. My coffee pot had already turned itself off. Since then I've been scrambline. Shower, dress, walk the dogs, check my email. When I stepped outside with The Boys, I immediately got dizzy. I associate this with my lack of activity the past week or so. I need to get myself some exercise. I'm falling apart.

So we watched The Insider last night with Al Pacino and Russel Crowe - a truly excellent flick. I started another mystery book by...hmmm...can't remember his name, but it's called Immoral. The author overwrites, but I'll continue with the mystery as I'm too deeply involved. I finished Blood ofAngels this week by another useless author I care not to remember.

I've got to try and get my groove back. Signing off.

Growing Up Together

My First Entry in 2006

OK - I'm just going to admit it. I feel weak. I'm having trouble working. I feel out of my routine. I'm not eating properly. I'm exhausted - so exhausted I want to curl up with a fleece blanket and sleep for hours beneath a cozy tree.

My second truth is that I feel mad. It's a combination of a King Lear and Travis Bickle madness. At any minute I feel capable of pulling my hair out, putting my fist through a wall, ramming my car into a tree. I feel betrayed, alientated and vulnerable.

I dreamt I was 2.5 months pregnant last night. When I went in for the pregnancy test, I jokingly told the doctor that the last thing I wanted was to be pregnant. When I returned for a follow-up visit, I told her I was keeping the baby. I had actually begun to develop a small tummy. She was concerned that I wasn't doing the right thing for myself. The doctor's office was a like a factory, and all of the patients were examined in the same large and cold room without any privacy.

My sister and I had a discussion about where people go when they die. We both realized that we use heaven as a term for the where the dead go, but we don't relate it to any religion. Do I believe my mom is Jesus' homegirl? No. Do I think this heaven is beautiful? Yes. Is it better than earth? Maybe. Is she happier? Probably. Does she miss us? Not one of us will ever know.

So I can't stop crying and crying gives me headaches and headaches make me tired and bitchy and bitchy makes me feel bad and feeling bad leads to more crying and it's rather boring to be me.

My sister and Andrew bought me a fish when they were up for vacation. We named him Aqua Moo IV. He died already.

The distance that the dead have gone
Does not at first appear-
Their coming back seems possible
For many an ardent year.

-Emily Dickinson

P.S. For those I haven't spoken with in a while. Andrew, Sandra, Jill, Kathryn - I hope you had a wonderful holiday. I've been thinking about all of you. Happy New Year.