We tried, but we cried cause we knew it was over.

Friday was an evil night.

Emily invited me to her friend's house for some gumbo. We picked up some wine and headed out for the evening. Feasted on gumbo and french bread with three Cornell sophmore girls - very cute, very young. Em and I hit the Chapter House for a quick beer and then back to her house to watch some TV on the projector and drink some more Pinot Grigio. In between I went home to check on Pete, walk Moo and listen to my messages. Big mistake. My favorite father left me a scathing message saying that I was messing with Peter's head, that I was doing more harm than good, that I was telling Peter too much, that I was BAD BAD BAD. He also said that I had to bring Peter home immediately.

Upon hearing this message I thought I would explode. I was MAD MAD MAD. So I called back - told him he had nerve, told him to never leave a message like that, told him that i don't manipulate Pete that I treat him with respect and honesty, told him that I would not bring Pete home that I'm not some yo-yo - that he could get into his own car and drive to ithaca to pick up his son. I told cliff not to call me anymore, i had no interest in speaking to him. he agreed. told him that pete is terribly upset about this move. told him that amy is terribly upset about this move and that his kids don't trust or respect him. he said to me that he thought i had his back - he thought he had my trust. I asked," since when?" i think about my conversations with him- blatantly told him Kathy is BAD BAD BAD. blatantly told him moving was BAD BAD BAD. mentioned on more than one occasion that his actions contributed to my mother's DEMISE. told him i lost RESPECT. told him he had PROBLEMS. told him that i didn't agree with the way he was RAISING the KIDS.

I cried until I was puffy. Pete cried and screamed how much he hated his father. Pete said, "He didn't respect my mother after she died. I hate him." We held each other and cried deep angry tears.

Y'see, I was mad at Pete too. The kids have no choice but to play both sides of the fence. They may trust, respect and love me, but they have to live with him.

I needed to get out of the house. I went back to Emily's. We talked and talked. She helped. We drank wine.

Eventually I went back home and just couldn't sleep. I watched by tivo'd shows, pulled out the Sambuca and had two nightcaps. i scraped the fridge for comfort food. i ran my dirty fork up and down my thigh - i needed to feel something physical. spoke to amy. a few hours later, I went up to my bedroom and swallowed two sleeping pills and a melatonin. i sat with the bottle in hand wondering how many days i could sleep if I took the rest of the Lunesta. there were only seven pills. surely that couldn't hurt? for christ sake i've been taking this pill every night for nine months straight. i had to have build up some tolerance. I just wanted a really good sleep. I just want to fall asleep with ease, sleep thru the night with ease and wake up with ease. I wasn't in good shape.

I tossed a glass of water at the picture of my mom and dad and the five pugs that i keep by my bedside. I cursed my mother; blamed her; hated her. i travel with that picture everywhere. i quickly took the photo from its frame and dried off the water, cleaned up the floor. CRIED CRIED CRIED. sorry Mommy.

slept.

but before slumber i filed all of my long nails down.

woke up at 9am with a scratch on my eyelid and my eyes swollen shut. wasn't pretty. woke pete. told him that despite how shitty we felt we had to make the best of his last weekend here. we had to enjoy our life. it would start with breakfast at state street. omelettes always a great way to start off a saturday. see - doesn't take too much to make me happy.

we tried. farmer's market, swimming, movies, icecream, shopping, eating out, preparing dinner together, artist's fair...we tried.

I knew Pete was still in a lot of pain, because I certainly was. I have to finally admit that both of my parents were gone. I know that I am depressed. It started three weeks ago. you see lately i don't take any pleasure in doing the things that i normally love. my sleeping habits are straight up wacked. i actually missed my therapy appointment on friday - straight up didn't show. i feel sick - a lot. weary.

today i woke up with a clogged ear - could not hear a blessed thing. had to suck it up and call up the doctor that i wasn't very nice to because he sent me a bill for not cancelling an appointment that i didn't show up for because it was the day my mother died. after explaining my unfortunate circumstance they agreed to waive the fee, but i received another bill a short while later. I threw a fit.

But they did see me this morning and things are better.

i found a strapless bra this morning too for my dress for next weekend's wedding. very difficult given my size.

i'm tired now. Signing off.

Hot List

Though Jeremy Piven, Turtle and Kevin Dillon really make Entourage great, we've got to give props to this piece of ass.

Blogger has been fucking with me all week.

Pete and I saw You, Me and Dupree...a 2 star movie. It's been years since i've seen a movie with Matt Dillon...he and his brother have the same voice, inflection...it's weird.

Las night we had the best time - Emily played hookie from her Kaplan course and we went to Joe's for a fabo meal and a nice carafe of Pinot Grigio. The three of us went to Stewart Park to skip rocks, sit on the swings and wander around like little kids - it was great. We came back home and watched So you think you can dance. Allison was dumped - what an injustice. I swear we were almost in tears.

Dan and I going to Disney the weekend of August 11. Pretty excited to get out of town.
Signing off.

P.S. Dan got a job offer!!!

Weekend Stuff

It's time to start marketing again. The glory days of late winter, spring and early summer have ended and my bread & butter account will be done by the end of august. In fact, work has slowed down significantly already because the client has just forgotten about us. Sucks because I was depending on that money for August. I'm a little nervous, but at this time in my life I'm used to picking myself off of the ground.

Anyway, Friday night me, Peter and Emily went to see Clerks II. Fantasic. Great fun. Here here to the return of Kevin Smith. Jason Lee and Ben Affleck have cameos. Rosario Dawson is really stunning. Just remembering of her starring role in Kids when she talks about anal sex. Ouch. Anyway, she's really good at keeping a straight face when talking about really raunchy things.

Saturday was a pretty chill day. Pete and I went out for yet another Chappelle DVD and some arts & crafts supplies. He seems to like to piant boxes too. We joined Emily for dinner at Mi Casita - a Creole and Costa Rican eatery with fabulous ambience. I had rum cake for desert and it was unbelievable. We hit Cornell's bowling alley for a few games - Emily kicked our asses each time. Pete and I hit the couch for Cheaper by the Dozen II. He got mad at me for making fun of him so he scampered off to bed and I chatted with danny boy for a few over a nightcap of Sambuca.

Yesterday we went to the beach and made Rice Krispy treats. They are gone today.

Signing off.

Foreboding

I will talk about this next week.

Sleepy Sleepy

So tired these past two weeks. Maybe it's all catching up to me and I just needed to slow down. Fortunately, the work front has been calm, which allows me to take up to two naps a day. (Y'see told you things aren't right.) Today I feel OK, maybe it's because I easily convinced Pete to play hookey from tennis and sleep in with me. I really couldn't do it this morning. So by 7:45 I was at my desk writing a rather nice pitch on a rather extraordinary family. I can't divulge details yet, but a client is shopping around a book.

I'm hoping to see Clerks II this weekend and drink beer tonight with Emily. If the weather allows, Pete and I will catch rays and swim. Amy can't come this weekend - not a surprise, but I was looking forward to her silliness - our silliness together...being with and caring for my little bro and sis.

I'll leave you with this picture today - March 1975. Some 15 months later she would have me, her first child at 19.

Gripes About 'Thaca

-slow, dimwitted drivers
-slow waitstaff - it takes forever to get your check - and then god forbid you pay by credit card!
-construction downtown and on campus this entire summer
-so many bicycle riders
-people with babies just about everywhere - i suppose this isn't so bad - but it's weird to see so many people with kids and so many women pregnant. I think the Ithacans like to have a lot of sex.
-the ithacans go swimming late. maybe it's just the fact that I left for jones and moses beach at the crack of dawn to beat the nasty l.i.e. traffic that i believe it's the right thing to get to the beach by 9am. however, in Thaca I generally don't see people at the pool until about 2pm. Buttermilk doesn't even open for swim until 11am. Do you know how many things I've done this morning?
-nobody smokes. not even outside of the bars. ok an occasional few like me and chris when he visits. (1 month down baby)
-the hippy stuff is expensive. these cats charge an arm and a leg for soap, lotion, shampoo, plants, flowers (except the awesome flower lady at the farmer's market), baked goods, veggies, hand-crafted, whitttled and crocheted whatever

Pete has tennis lessons at 8:00 am each morning at Cass Park, so I've been walking the Cayuga Waterfront Trail. Yesterday I had Baby with me, but he looked like he was about to die from the heat, so I left him home today. It's nice to be out early watching the kayakers and canoe-ers (sp?), listening to bloc party, van morrison, willie nelson, jimmy buffet. good times with myself.

Pete and I have gotten into a nice groove. He's a good kid. He's been helpful in the kitchen, around the house, emotionally. He breaks my heart. His father simply doesn't call enough, and the scary thing is that I don't think Pete cares. Each day the only people he asks if he could call are Amy and Andrew.

P.S. I really liked Sin City (sorry Kimmee) thought it was just fantastic. Robert Rodriguez here here.

P.P.S. I think my sis is coming to visit this weekend!

100 Degrees Today and All That

dan and i got massages on saturday morning and then followed up with brunch at the Carriage House, this absolutely adorable little place across the street from my favorite bar the Chapter House. I had almond french toast. dan has french toast stuffed with brie.

no one wanted to do anything during the afternoon, tho we had plans to check out the dragonboat race downtown. dan and I layed in bed most of the afternoon reading, talking and watching the golden girls.

that night we hit half-priced shuck and jive at Maxi's and introduced Peter to raw oysters. we ended the night with the 40-year-old Virgin, which we all love.

Peter started tennis lessons this morning at 8am. He's in great spirits, but I feel like shit. This lack of sleep is truly catching up to me. I've been up since 6:30 trying to get it together, but I still feel as if I drank a bottle of vodka last night...for the record, I haven't had any vodka since shannon was visiting. ;-)

I do have more to say, but need to get some flow on the work front, so I'll get into some more later. I'll touch upon this stuff later:

• Cliff saying he's moving the kids into Kathy's house in August
• My five year anniversary with Dan
• The fact that stores are starting to stock their shelves with back-to-school and fall stuff
• Peter
• The fact that I've been to the grocery story 4 times in 8 days'
• Sin City and Postcards from the Edge
• My lack of television watching

For MER

Happy (Belated) Birthday My Dear Friend.

Hope it was fabulous.

XOXOXOXO

P.S. hope the family is good.

Gripes

cancelling aol

cancelling rhapsody superpass

humidity

zits - (broken out right now in a bad way right now)

the post office - thinking about it usually pisses me off - just don't understand why i hate the place to much

lack of airconditioning downstairs - because the windows are so frigging big

kathy - my father's ugly, insipid, selfish and genuine piece of shit girlfriend

my father - a deeply lost, socially dysfunctional, hurtful bastard

my mother - for leaving my adopted brother without a mother...for the second time in his life

me - for not being able to let all of this go and for allowing someone I don't even know (kathy) to fill me with so much grief, anxiety and hatred

my hair - i would like to chop it off, but dan says no way

Ramblings

Drivers with Ipods are more dangerous than cell phone users and drunks. I'm convinced of this.
The first half of the ever-irrating trip to W.C. was a literal zig zag across Rt 17 as I played with my Ipod.

Some songs that are so spectacular they give me the chills -

• Jeff Buckley's - Hallelujah
• U2 - Where the Streets Have No Name
• Gary Jules - Mad World
• Concrete Blonde - Everybody Knows
• Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter
• Bruce Springsteen - Born to Run
• Elvis Costell0 - She

My level of exhaustion is becoming apparent. Bags under the eyes. Yesterday I tried to put the watermelon I was chopping into the skillet where I had steaks cooking. Before my hand dropped the bits of melon, I came to.

Still no smoking - 3 weeks, 2 days.

Peter seems to be enjoying camp. When I picked him up yesterday, he looked as if he rolled out the woods - absolutely filthy.

Finally managed to get an eyebrow wax and a pedicure yesterday. I was in rough shape. Next, hopefully I can find time to hit the postal to mail out a few gifts I have for people.

Did see the Devel Wears Prada - pretty good tho entirely different from the book - also Pirates of the Carribean, which I enjoyed.

New restaurants - Ithaca Ale House - lots of delish beers on top, but food not too great. Probably won't go back.

Any new hobbies / activities - currently just the usual - painting, reading (a not very good Mary Higgins Clark book, finished The Devil Wears Prada) , watching film, tending to my plants and garden, going swimming in various wateringholes and waterfalls on the weekends. I am trying to pay more attention to my neglected music collection though.

Peter is getting me into The Chappelle Show. I've tivo'd Footballer's Wives per AZ's suggestion and also Coupling, which I've been fond of. Unfortunatley, I just haven't had time to watch - been working around the clock.

Signing off for now.

OK Got A Lot to Say

but have to wait until next week. I'm in PowerPoint and video hell right now prepping a client for their annual presentation next week.

on Sunday it will be 3 weeks since i've had a smoke. watch out.

picking up Pete tomorrow night.

signing off.

p.s. any takers on the new Dashboard Confessionals album? downloaded it on a whim from Rhapsody and i'm digging on it.

p.p.s. dan bought me an Ipod this weekend. he's the fucking bomb.